A patron of mine approached me the other day and says  "Can i ask your opinion on something?"

He has a 9 year old daughter who he didn't think was being physically challenged commiserate with her ability. How would she reach her full potential if SOCIETY was holding her back from attaining it, he wondered.

And by that he meant her mother.

He was a competitive child. A gifted athlete. and he sees these qualities manifesting in his eldest child. he is proud. but scared. She lacks the self confidence that a successful athlete needs. And he cant help but worry... is it because of HER??

We all worry about our children's influences. that fear has to be magnified when you are a co parent. there is no way to really know, save what your child shares with you, what goes on in the other house. and it is hard enough managing conflicting opinions in my own two parent household to even begin to understand how frustrating this must be. 

but i cant help but go back to the idea that while children are certainly impressionable, they are also human beings. They have their own preferences, abilities, reason and logic for their behaviors and values. But i think that we forget sometimes that they have only begun to make sense of them. And having such high expectations of them is to manifest failure in otherwise natural and expected behavior. 

Perhaps it is just that my memory is better than most. But i remember doing stupid things. Risky things. Things that had no benefit in the slightest beyond experimentation and seeking fun. I remember being lazy for no reason. Not trying for no reason. Wearing a new hat simply because i wanted to see what it would look and feel like; to see if it was, in fact, the ME that i was searching for. 

I wasn't crazy. I wasn't "not thinking about my future". I was being a kid. I was learning, experimenting, figuring things out on my own. Thats what we all have to go through. If and when our parents are too involved in this process; it is NOT beneficial. The child will either bow to the parental influence creating a weaker and more dependent individual more likely to falling prey to a people pleasing lifestyle, or will ignore and disassociate from the parent in order to assert their independence as an individual. i think its fair to say that no parents dreams of either these outcomes for their child.the greatest influence we have besides providing basic care and necessities is in our ability to support our child's individual path. 

And thats what i told him. 

His daughter may be a little shy. She may be the best 9 year old athlete in the country (as it were, apparently...). She may be overly influenced by her mothers  insecurity. But it is apparent that she is getting it from both sides and i told him as much. (Hey, he asked, right?!) Just consider getting those two drastically different viewpoints from your parents in 4 day blocks at a time (their custody arrangement). 

No wonder she is confused. She is only beginning to figure herself out. And it is quite possible that she will remain an amazing athlete who's shy demeanor may hold her back. But it is equally possible that she will overcome this once she has an inkling of understanding as to what it is she had already accomplished. we forget sometimes that kids really just don't know any better. 

All dad needs to do is be there for her. Put his focus on caring for and creating memories with her. And know that all her athletic  training is teaching her core values that will stay with her forever no matter what she accomplishes with them.

Competition after all, is fleeting. Memories on the other hand last a lifetime. So i left him with this advice- keep her training because it is something that you both enjoy doing TOGETHER. but let her be in charge of setting her own goals. And you just be there to congratulate her when she accomplishes them. 

I have this ongoing debate with a friend about the nature of successful relationships. Particularly romantic relationships, but our theory is likely applicable to platonic ones as well. Our theory effectively challenges the idea that you get what you give in a relationship. This long standing cliched relationship advice presupposes that each of us 1- knows what we want from relationships, and 2- knows how to give it in order to receive it. We, instead, believe that we have observed a quite different set of circumstances.

It appears that relationships are generally initiated by one person, and reciprocated by another. This beginning leads to acts of perpetual reciprocity which signal the inherent desire of both individuals to remain in the relationship. My friend and i have found it helpful to use the analogy of a sculpture- specifically the metaphorical use of the CARVER and the BLOCK- to describe the vulnerable nature of romantic relationships. The dominant personality fills the shoes of the "carver" or sculptor, and the more passive personality serves as the "block" of material.

It seems that most of us experiment with both of these roles at some point in the beginning of our dating lives until we find our comfort zone. Whats more interesting is that it is likely that we both have characteristics of each in us (much like the Freudian personality traits introversion and extraversion). But similar to the Freudian personality spectrum, most of us favor either one position or the other- the carver, or the block.

The pursuit and dating phase set an important tone for any relationship. The dominant personality, the carver, sets the perimeters of expected behaviors. This is significant in that it reveals the power balance in the relationship. The carver displays or otherwise reveals the expected communication, affection and amount of quality time one is expected to commit to the relationship. The block's job is to fulfill these expectations in a reciprocal manor.

While there are always exceptions to the rule, one should expect that those who are more comfortable in the role of the Carver are the ones who will function as the pursuer and guider of the relationship. They set the tone and the expectations of the relationship and given their somewhat confrontational nature, are usually the first to submit a grievance. They are territorial and more protective of the relationship then the Block. They are also the individual who is most personally invested, particularly in the beginning, as they perceive their relationship an extension of their own identity and therefore a part of their personal self. This is an interesting concept especially because it implies a certain level of control which is not overtly part of the dynamic. Instead, the Block becomes a project; someone to work with and something to work on, which functions to foster the needs of the Carvers own self identity and as an exterior validation of their confidence.

To a Carver, their relationship self is likely viewed as the best version of their own personal self identity. They are liked and loved for simply being who they are and as such create this grandiose idea of themselves as a significant part of something bigger. So much so that they work for and bask in the accomplishments of their partner as it reflects back on them in a personal way.

The Block, on the other hand, is a much more impressionable and less self centered (identity wise, not personality wise...) individual. To them, the details of the relationship are not as important. They don't get their self validation from the details or their personal relationships. These individuals are much more adaptable likely because their reflection of self come from an internal source such as their work ethic or creative expression. Their personal identity is a personal pursuit, not a joint project. But it requires a foundation of self confidence, which is only bolstered by the Carver's outside confirmation.

These fundamental character differences are conflict and attraction inducing all the same. There is a very real truth in the statement that opposites attract- at least to an extent. But why is this? I'm not so sure its the widely accepted reasoning that each has characteristics that the other lacks and as a result the couple compliments each other well. I think it is more what they have in common which draws them together- shared goals. Despite differing methods of achieving them, they have the same expectations; a casual relationship, long term monogamy or perhaps even marriage and a family. Each has identified within the other the potential for success (however that is defined between the two of them) in the relationship. The Carver has identified the Block as a worthy to partner with them in life and the Block views the Carver as competent to handle the big life picture and as such are freed up to embrace their own pursuits with the confidence that their Carver is right behind them, supporting them all the way.

This observation was formulated as an answer to the two following assumptions. Two dominant personalities will inevitably be consumed by the depth of their struggle for power and control. As well, two passive personalities seem to become disheartened by the lack of passion that their relationship inspires.

So which are you?

Is your relationship the natural extension of your personal self or is it the foundation which allows yourself to be the you that you want to be?

Finding the right Carver for your Block and vice versa is obviously not an easy process. Balancing the power dynamic and having willing participants is key. After all, any sculpture which is not handled with appropriate care and proper tools can fracture.

The same can be said for relationships.

Acts of terrorism have a way of uniting a culture like no other shared experience. Something about the idea of being attacked makes everyday problems fade into the background, if only for a moment. It could all be gone in an instant. And that fear is one which we all understand. So we talk about it. Why did it happen? What inadequacies must be addressed so that this never happens again? Who can we blame? What did we learn?

And its not as if this is completely wasteful behavior. This is not my point. I understand that this is a cathartic exercise. Talking about problems enable us to make sense of the nonsensical; to own our emotions. But i do not believe that this applies in the case of terrorism.

It's just that the "what ifs?" and the "whys?" of terrorism have a terroristic quality all their own. These are not problem solving exercises, critical thinking or some attempt at understanding the enemy. This is fanning the fire; the building blocks of hysteria.

What this behavior and thinking leads to is the inability to understand the enemy's motive- ironically, the one thing we all hope to be able to do. When you become emotionally vested, it becomes practically impossible to separate your personal bias from the situation. And the main end of terrorism is not to torture or terrify ones enemies, though this is an undeniable by product.

A TERRORISTS MOTIVE IS TO BE HEARD.

Whatever the point, YOU HEAR IT.
You may not agree, but you now know this viewpoint exists. And the fear that you grant this reality functions to give the terrorist power in the form of spreading the terrorists message. The interesting point is that this may be the most effective way to disperse propaganda that there is. And at its core is pure cowardice; passive aggression at its finest.

Many, if not most, of us are not intimately connected to victims of terrorism. Yet we experience it as if we were the intended targets. This has become the cultural norm in our society. This is not the result of some profound change in the world, but rather the effective dispersement of media via world wide advancements in technology. Think about it. Events can travel the span of the globe in a matter of hours.

Though we'd prefer to believe terrorists are obtuse in their planning, this is far from the case. They've figured a way to use us to spread their message without most of us even realizing thats what we're doing. And they're taking advantage of it.

So forgive me for refusing to partake in your "What is the world coming to...?!?!" conversations. I just don't see the point in discussing it- and i refuse to be a vehicle by which a terrorists message is disseminated.

Its not as if i don't believe in the concept of truth; i do.

But i just don't believe that my truth and your truth are the same.

My truth could be antithetical to your truth and vice versa, and yet it could still technically be the "truth". I think that this is the natural order of things. We are different people. Every one of us. And this is obvious in our looks, our demeanor, our thoughts, so why not our purview?

But we are all judged by the same standards and given "the way" to succeed as if it were the only valid one available.

This is more than "its all relative". Though, admittedly my point draws from this line of reasoning, if only implicitly so. Its more a respect of difference,an expectation of nonconformity versus conformity. An understanding of the way that it is, in order to tap into the idea of creating what it could be.

I once read that it is actually difference that we all have in common, not our ability to conform. and this is an interesting point that has stuck with me. When i get frustrated by things that are particular to me- my picky eating, my germaphobia, second guessing my decision to still have the same job I've had forever because its a good one and i could do a lot worse, i step back and remember- we all have these parallel battles. And this really does help. Though it may not seem like the person standing next to you is as stressed out as you are, it is likely they are, but they just appear to be handling the stress better than you are.

Many of us place ourselves atop a pedestal which is likely reinforced by those around us. Yet we all have problems, we all make mistakes, and we all fail from time to time. AND THESE ARE THE THINGS WE HAVE IN COMMON. The negatives in our lives make us relatable; they make us REAL. We have all been hurt, lied to, screwed over and taken advantage of.

Our beauty lies in our differences. The unique attributes that make us so individually us. Learning to embrace these differences when you see so many contrasting people and personalities is difficult. Conformity is easy. Embracing your difference is hard; but worth it. Difference is what makes you appealing, beautiful, unique... you. Nothing will change that. And being able to appreciate yourself is the first stepping stone to earning respect from others.

This is where my version of truth becomes relevant. What is it that you want and need in your life? Im not talking extravagances, but necessities. What would make you a better person tomorrow if you had it in your life today?

This truth is different for all of us. But it is no less real. Which is why i think the ability to accept truth as a fluid rather than a concrete concept is so important. For you and i to both get what we need from a relationship, to get what we need to be our true selves there has to be some wiggle room here. Otherwise we are just drawing lines in the sand everywhere; expecting that if only you are convincing enough, you will make me see the REAL truth.

But truth is subjective. It is developed through the lens of our own biases and experiences. It always will be. Accepting this is the first step to finding common ground; and accepting the only real truth that there is.

I am a fairly skeptical person.

Unless you are my father, who I'm convinced has magical powers or something, it is unlikely that you will be able to get one over on me.

I don't buy most theories the first time i hear them. My gut simply tells me to step back, do more research, and then evaluate. I cant possibly have the information i need at first glance. This is, and has always been as far back as i can remember, my default operation.

I tell you this because i have yet to find organized religion appealing. And while this is rather normal as a teenager or young adult, it seems that most of my peers have grouped themselves with one organization or another, if informally, as we have reached our later twenties and began to have our own families. It seems as if I'm the odd one, not that this bothers me, but it is, well, odd.

And let me clarify, that I understand that this is natural behavior. I have mentioned before the tendency that humans have toward group formation and loyalty and how to some extent this is good for society, and survival, if you want to take it that far. I studied this exact thing quite extensively in college and spent a lot of time studying the "big 5" religions- Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism. I have also spent time with the likes of Daoism/Taoism, Jainism as well as the Baha'i religion. So i am not simply ignorant to the meaning or proliferation of these paradigms.

But the ideas of natural sin and expected suffering simply baffle my mind. Is it any wonder the world is so full of hate, jealousy, envy and evil? We are taught to worship the inability to even strive for perfection. Not that perfection is possible, thats not the point, but the idea that pride is distasteful, is somehow bad for us... its as if we are expected to enjoy the struggle, and relinquish our self respect in the process. We are broken. We are not enough. And we never will be. So much so that we must put our faith in the unknown. And not just the unknown, but the unknowable. And somehow this line of thinking is supposed to teach us to respect others, when we cant even justifiably appreciate our own self.

Human reason and instinct have functioned to keep us alive for centuries. It's quite audacious to suggest otherwise. Even without this exterior moral compass, or guidance, i am able to understand the fact that i need other people and as such am a respectful and empathetic individual. Yet i cannot reconcile the idea that though organized religion has countless benefits (among them, community, charity, etc...) with this influence and power, also inevitably comes corruption. Am i the only one who finds this precarious? Its just that i find organized religion perfunctory, hypocritical, condescending even. It professes acceptance and yet prescribes the same plan for everyone. The suggestion being that i need to be saved by the divine in order to be relieved of the precipice of the reality of life.

Life is dangerous, messy, unpredictable and nonsensical much of the time. Plans go wrong; accidents happen. The beauty in life though is the life we lead in the face of all of these things. Not in trying to streamline the unknowable, trying to control the uncontrollable. I find that the ugliness in the world makes it so much easier for me to appreciate the beauty in it. The negatives in life make it real. It gives you perspective. It gives you challenges. It makes you, YOU. Your religion may give you comfort and purpose, and i don't judge you as inept for living this way. What i am saying is that i have these things without it. And one thing that we have in common is that at the end of the day, the responsibility lies within you to make your life worth living. And if you have walked through life believing that you are somehow fundamentally flawed, in your darkest moments, where does this leave you?

Now, its not as if i don't have any faith. I do. I have faith that things will work out. Not that anyone is directing them in my favor- or cares what i want for that matter, just that it will work out, and even i cant explain how. Its kind of like that quote "I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to be okay." I feel that way in just about all situations. I have this unwavering faith in my ability to get through things. Perhaps its my desire or commitment to questioning, to understanding, to using my resources which gives me this faith, or confidence, if you'd rather. I cant be sure, but i am sure that it is not faith in the unknown, but rather a faith in the KNOWN, a faith in myself and my resources.

And as hard as this may be for you to understand, I do not need, or desire these answers. I do not need this resource to tell me everything will be okay. I am comfortable in the not knowing. I am comfortable simply being me.

You have to own your choices to begin to understand and learn from them. When you have convinced yourself that nothing is your fault, then you have, by extension, implied that there is nothing that you can do about it.
Everything is your fault so far as anything is anyones fault. Its true that you may not bring on all situations, but you do control how it is that you react to them and, even more importantly, what you learn from them. Having a "whoa is me" attitude gets you absolutely nowhere. It rarely even earns you genuine sympathy.

Talking out problems with a confidante in an effort to better understand them and to figure out your next course of action actually encourages the opposite response. When you show signs that you are trying, THEN others want to help you.

If you do not try to solve your own problems, then others tend to believe that you deserve the struggle. (how else will you learn...?)
We all struggle, you know. Sure some of us may be better at handling them than others, but excluding the obvious case of mental illness, we all do possess the ability to work thru them. But you'll never succeed if you give up the moment a problem arises. You are not superman, or woman for that matter.

we all need people. we all need help.and believe it or not, you actually appear weaker when you DO NOT take advantage of your resources, NOT when you do.

The nature of conflict is that it implies vulnerability. Learning to manage this vulnerability is imperative to enjoying a good quality of life. Life is about change. Change implies conflict. And your conflict management is a window into your true character. When you are unable or unwilling to manage your stress level, you exist in a perpetual state of stress- one that makes it extremely unlikely that you will gain traction in your conflict management ability. And the further out of control you feel, the less confident you will be in your ability to handle your life's stress.

this is not a doomed cyclical cycle. you are the only one who has the tools to figure out whats going on with you. And thats actually a good thing. but you have to try. and you have to admit that you may need help to get to where you need to go.

Now no one said introspection was going to be easy. But you cant just give up. I just cant see the value in torturing yourself if you are not at least doing so productively.

so give it a shot, and see what you can do.

And don't forget... everything is a choice. and there are no wrong ones, especially if you are being true to yourself.

that means more than some one else... as 311 would say <3

In reflecting on my childhood and education i am constantly drawn to the arbitrary measurements by which I grew up judging myself and others by, particularly now that I am an adult and those labels have lost their literal meanings. I am resentful of the life lessons i missed and the life skills that were neglected in an effort to spend my time- formative time that i will never get back- training my brain to operate in a way thats antithetical to the way my brain actually functions.

In other words- my public education has trained me to take a test- to memorize information and regurgitate it. Not to think about it, not to question it. I have been taught- "it is what it is" and if you know anything about ME, you know I hate this.

I thought about a career in education once. The impact i could have would be tremendous, I thought. And i love meeting new people, figuring out how to get through to them. But that was before I understood the system.

When it comes to critical thinking and problem solving my generation was disadvantaged. We were given arbitrary curriculums and taught that success resulted from mastering these concepts. So master we did, but what did we LEARN??? Conformity, authoritarianism, obedience... The list goes on.

So I played by the rules i was given only to find out the world doesn't actually operate according to these rules, but rather, on reality. And reality changes daily; Which was an idea that was in contrast to the rule book i was given.

And this was a HARD lesson to learn. Anyone who has stood there thinking "But I did everything i was supposed to do" knows what I mean.

Through my bachelor degree studies i finally discovered that versatility is key, change is necessary and authority is arbitrary. And in this process, I found myself.

Once these negative undertones were removed from my life i was free to embrace a life that is meaningful to me. Most importantly, I am constructing my own rules and reality based on my own values and goals.

This line of thinking has empowered me not to have control over my life, but instead to have faith in my abilities to navigate it.

And it is through this process that I believe I found my own personal happiness.

After all, how happy can you be when you are constantly judging yourself by others standards???

Some of the people i am closest to fall into the rejection sensitive category. As such, I feel as though some clarification may be needed for my previous blog. I do not mean to paint this picture of the rejection sensitive as a fatally flawed character as much as to paint our interactions as flawed and unnatural, particularly on my end. I find myself walking on eggshells around these individuals, not at all comfortable enough to be the real me. And that's what I mean when I say meaningful interaction. It is filled with tension, second guessing, and tongue biting on my side. And I am only beginning to understand how it is that these people feel. And the longer we exist in this awkward state, the further we move from really communicating.

So after much contemplation i have come up with a suggestion for the rejection sensitive. (By no means a cure all, but hear me out...)

It is evident that these individuals hyper analyze their own social activity. What I submit to you is an exercise in the study of human behavior, particularly, the study of Carl Jung's inspired psychological types.

I have found this information to be invaluable in my study of social science and perhaps the most cogent of all theories with which I have become familiar. It helps you to understand the motive behind someone's behavior by dissecting their psychological processes.

While you are not certain to type your family and friends accurately, you may be surprised at how this exercise in introspection can turn contagious. As you begin to analyze your own behavior you will likely be inspired to ask others about theirs in an effort to establish a baseline.

But, in this process, you will discover that there are 16 distinctly different psychological types, some inevitably more common than others. However not one of them is bad, or normal even. They are all different. Precisely like each of us are. These types do not explain us completely, instead they elucidate the psychological difference between us all on a fundamental level. They are a blueprint for the personality that we cultivate.

And once you understand the psychological difference between us on this level i hope that you will find that we all have struggles, insecurities, and weaknesses. But while they are ingrained in our psyche, they are not what makes us, well, us. They are a piece. And if you really think about it, and consider the butterfly effect, you may discover that this piece is as significant as the personal attributes of which you are proudest.

So don't stress the things you can't change. The older i get the less i believe in the idea that we can just wake up one day and change our life anyway. Change is not our default operation. It takes effort and commitment which most of us will not embrace until it is the path of least resistance. Learning on the other hand is what our brains were made to do. And though I don't believe in change per se, I do believe in enlightenment.

And if you spend some time attempting to dissect the human psyche, I bet that you will likely find that we are all more alike than a lot of us think and further, that many people are so consumed in their own life, stress and insecurities to even notice yours.

So happy researching. And let me know if this helps!!! <3

"With a hair-trigger reaction to any indication that you don't like them or, in fact, disagree with them or didn't do what they asked, the rejection- sensitive walk around with what seems like a perpetual chip on their shoulder. They interpret everything through the lens "You somehow disrespect or dislike me." That's difficult... because you have to walk on eggshells around them and make sure that everything you say or do doesn't push the imaginary button where they feel they're being devalued by you.
Threats lurk everywhere for these people, who are constantly scanning their environment for signs of being excluded.... The resulting drop in self esteem experienced by the rejection- sensitive begets an overwrought response to slights real and imagined- all of which are presumed intentional....
The irony is that, over time, the irritability, negativity, and self doubt of the rejection-sensitive do in fact drive others to avoid them."
-Psychology Today

Do you know someone like this? We all do. And while I love a good curve ball now and then, I simply cannot figure out how to socially interact with these people. I believe that their anxiety and anger are real. Their body language and vocal inflection suggest nothing but pure emotion. But I will never understand how someone can take almost any situation and turn it negative.

Now I am an optimist in the truest sense of the word. But even I am capable of admitting that I get screwed from time to time. So I guess I prefer realistic optimist. The difference between my worldview and that of the rejection sensitive is that I rarely approach a problem in personal terms. Sometimes they are my fault; but most of the time they are not. Either way though, I am confident that I can deal with almost anything because whats the worse that can happen, right?. "Problems" are challenges. Nothing more, nothing less. And what would life be without challenges? Monotonous- and who wants that?!

It seems as though the rejection sensitive exist in a perpetual survivalistic state. Their guard is always up and their radar always on the lookout for perceived injustice. They create this paradigm in which life is a fight to convince others that they are worthy, that they matter.

And of course they do. But they don't give off this vibe in social interaction. Though this may be their goal in ruthlessly defending themselves, they instead come across as blatantly insecure- to the point of making others uncomfortable. So interestingly, they are becoming the very thing that they are fighting against- different, awkward, unfriendly even. And this unpleasantness makes meaningful social connection with them unlikely and in some cases unwanted.

None of this means i will stop trying to engage. Some of those closest to me fall into this rejection sensitive category. But I will put space between us. Because while their behavior is meant to defensive; it feels accusatory and as if I am being attacked. And to continue in a relationship this way will inevitably put more space between us than what I have self imposed.

I don't know if its possible to find neutral ground with these people, and I've tried. When I approach them empathetically I get attacked. They don't want pity. They want praise. But not just any praise will do. It is as pointed as their insecurities which can be frustrating to figure out. And even if you try to ignore their insecurities, that becomes a problem as well. It's a lose, lose situation when you engage an individual who is rejection sensitive. This is interesting, because they share this exact outlook.

If only they would realize that they are the ones creating it...

Several people in my life have tried explaining to me that if they could just "get away from here" their life would be different, perhaps even better. The "here" in this quote is not nearly as significant as the "away" is. But sometimes I wonder if these individuals even realize this. Because after all, when you travel far away from all that is familiar, you are at the end of the day, still you.

Surely, a new place can cause you to be open to and embrace parts of you that you keep hidden. And likewise, new experiences can cause you to learn more about the world and maybe even yourself. But unless you plan to be a globetrotter (what exactly are you running from anyway?!) the new normal you have established will essentially become the old normal that you once knew. Because you are you. And if you weren't happy when you started, then you won't be happy where you've ended up. Leaving a person or place is simply a distraction from reality, not a solution to it.

Sometimes a change of scenery can help an  individual to gain a new perspective. But this effort, without an embrace of introspection is hardly worth it. After all, your perspective is your vision and your vision is you. How exactly do you plan to get away from that? 

Your only hope to change your experience is to change the lens through which you examine it. Introspection is a powerful and yet, sometimes elusive aspiration. It is not easy. It does not come naturally. But neither does picking up and leaving the life that you know. It is uncomfortable and the end result uncertain. But again, so is leaving. Just keep that in mind.